Over the past year or so I’ve had a few people who were supposed to be close friends basically tell me I should keep my shit to myself. They do it in different ways – one individual tells me flat out that I’m being inappropriate and oversharing, as soon as something gets even the tiniest bit personal – another individual tells me that they’re totally ok with me having feelings but that I come across as ‘pessimistic’ and other people might be bothered by that, and incidentally don’t talk about that thing that caused us to have a fight, or that thing too, or that other thing either – and one individual just basically seems to think I’m a shitty person because I tried once to actually think about why strangers do things and apparently the conclusion I reached that I just thought was interesting was me being judgemental and saying someone I don’t even know shouldn’t do whatever it was they were doing. I don’t even remember what.
I *think* probably the problem is mostly with each of these individuals. But the whole situation, combined with insecurities caused by growing up socially awkward, makes me feel like I do shit that makes people hate me. So when I’m upset, for whatever reason, I feel like I should try not to overtax my friendships, so to speak. So I try to keep my feelings to myself, even while I’m feeling incredibly alone and just needing to feel like someone actually cares. Which obviously makes me feel even more alone than I did in the first place, and everything becomes a shitty spiral which ends in a passive aggressive outburst of ‘I need you but fuck it don’t bother’, and which quite understandably is far more taxing to my friendships than actually asking for help in the first place.
I’m trying really hard to act like a functional human being, but so scared of people stuff